Bunk'd Wiki
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Campers and staff of Camp Kikiwaka

This is the transcript of Luke's Back.

Luke's Back
Interior. Grizzly cabin.
Ravi: Oh. Shaving cream? Jorge!
Luke: Hey, buddy!
Ravi: Luke? What are you doing here? And will I have to lie to the police about anything?
Luke: No, I came to bring you a present. My summer school homework. That was due last Friday, so finish shaving, and get started.
Jorge: Shaving cream while you're sleeping? Classic!
Luke: Yeah. I call it the "sleeping Santa."
Ravi: I call it, "not funny the first ten times."
Jorge: You must be Luke. Is it true you put fake puke in Ravi's lunch box, so he hurled on the lunch lady?
Luke: Nah, that story isn't true.
Jorge: Oh.
Luke: I didn't use fake puke. I used real puke. I'm a prank purist.
Ravi: That was real?
Jorge: Dude, can I be your intern?
Luke: Sorry, I work alone. No evidence, no witnesses, no jail time.
Theme song.
Interior. Mess hall.
Luke: Well, since Ravi's doing my homework, and I have some time, let's go hit the lake!
Zuri: It's not so much a lake, as runoff from a fracking operation.
Xander: Hey, Emma.
Emma: Oh, that's my boyfriend. Please don't embarrass me. Xander, this is my brother, Luke.
Xander: Hey, man. Great to meet you.
Luke: You, too. Did you know my sister snorts when you tickle her on the elbow?
Emma: I do not snort. (Laughs, then snorts)
Lou: Do you guys hear snorting? Bartholomew? Did my little piggy come to visit?
Ravi: No, the only pig in here is Emma. Oh, that came out wrong.
Hazel: I don't know you. Identify yourself!
Zuri: This is Luke. He's our cool brother.
Ravi: What?
Zuri: Oh, tell me I'm wrong.
Hazel: So, you're Blondie McPerfect-Pants' brother?
Luke: Emma's not perfect. See?
Hazel: Ha! That's hilarious!
Xander: No, it's not!
Exterior. The Spot.
Jorge: Ha! Oh. Ugh. Spiderwebs taste terrible.
Ravi; That is because they are comprised of proteinaceous silk extruded from the arachnid's spinneret.
Luke: What Professor Blabs-a-lot is saying is that the webs come out of their butts.
Jorge: Hmm. I wonder if I could-
Luke: No!
Ravi: Luke, I am happy you are visiting, but I am Jorge's CIT. So I would appreciate it if you would show me a little respect.
Luke: Okay. But no one's ever gotten respect by asking for it. Or by tucking a T-shirt into shorts. Huh. Pretty cool.
Ravi: Yes. Un-tucking my shirt does give me a rather edgy bad-boy vibe. I was talking about The Spot.
Jorge: This is the place where Xander takes your sister to- Chat.
Eric Hey, look who's here. The lame-os from Camp Pee-Pee-Kaka.
Luke: You should've seen him before he un-tucked the shirt.
Eric: Get lost.
Ravi: Um- Actually, I believe it is our turn at The Spot.
Eric: Says who?
Ravi: The sign-up sheet. See? Not only was that disrespectful, but that was my zero-gravity pen.
Luke: Ravi, let me handle this. You don't have a good history with bullies.
Ravi: What do you mean? Last year, I stood up to that barbarian who stole my lunch money.
Luke: She was nine. Don't worry, I'll take care of this guy. Just like I did when I got your lunch money back from Becky.
Ravi: Okay, she was unusually large for a nine-year-old. And I do not need you to fight my battles for me anymore.
Jorge: Maybe you should let Luke fight this battle. Because this one has facial hair.
Eric: You see that 'stache comin' in, right?
Ravi: Well, I am not afraid of you, or that dirt on your lip.
All: Ooh.
Eric: What did you just say to me?
Ravi: We are done sharing The Spot. So if you want it, you will have to fight for it.
Eric: Works for me. I hope you guys have good dental coverage. And if you don't, my dad's a dentist, and he needs the business.
Ravi: Okay. Whoa. Hey, by fight, I did not mean bare-knuckle brawling like savages! Uh, uh, I was thinking of a single-elimination Sudoku tournament.
Luke: He doesn't seem like a big fan of brain teasers.
Ravi: Why do you think I suggested it?
Eric: You know what? I say we have a camp versus camp archery battle!
Ravi: Done. And the victor gets The Spot forever! Do you think you are man enough?
Eric: Oh, I'm more than man enough. And I have the Bar Mitzvah video to prove it.
Ravi: It is on! Oh, and mazel tov.
Luke: That was the weirdest challenge I've ever seen.
Interior. Mess hall.
Xander: You challenged Eric and Camp Champion To a battle for the spot?
Ravi: Yes, I looked him right in the chest and demanded some respect.
Lou: Ravi, Camp Champion is a sports camp. Their motto is, "Win or sleep in the lake."
Zuri: Fracking runoff.
Hazel: We'll never beat them.
Xander: I hate those Camp Champion jerks. Last year, they snuck into the kitchen, and put mud in our meatloaf.
Emma: How could you tell?
Xander: It had more worms than usual.
Lou: And it tasted better.
Hazel: Speaking of worms, Eric's the worst.
Lou: Tell me about it. I'm sorry I ever dated him.
Hazel: You and me both, sister.
Both: You dated Eric?
Jorge: Awkward!
Emma: If these guys are all super athletes, how are we supposed to beat them?
Luke: Well, I'm pretty good with a bow and arrow. Remember that time I shot an apple off Ravi's head?
Ravi: It was a pimple, and it was on my nose.
Xander: Either way, that must've been a great shot. So, Luke, could you give us some pointers?
Luke: Yeah, sure.
Ravi: We do not need Luke and his pimple-popping prowess. I will devise us a brilliant battle strategy based on Wellington's defeat of Napoleon at Waterloo. What happened was-
Luke: Or we could just kick their butts.
Zuri: I say we go with Luke's plan.
Ravi: But I did not get to finish.
Zuri: Exactly.
Exterior. Great Lawn.
Luke: And that's how it's done, son.
Jorge: Dude, that was awesome!
Ravi: Actually, I myself am quite the toxophilite.
Jorge: I thought you were American.
Ravi: A toxophilite is an archery aficionado.
Luke: Look, Ravi, you may be a taco flashlight, but archery involves some things that you're not very good at, like strength, coordination, not falling.
Ravi: I will have you know, this summer I've become quite physically capable.
Luke: Really?
Ravi: Yes. I am captain of the Camp Kikiwaka Trampoline Team.
Luke: Are you the only member of the Camp Kikiwaka Trampoline Team?
Ravi: Perhaps. The point is, I'm a serious athlete. I even have my own pair of professional grade tramp socks.
Luke: I'm- Proud of you?
Ravi: And you will be even prouder when I help us defeat Camp Champion. Watch this.
Jorge: Well, I don't know about defeating Camp Champion, but you sure ruined that snail's day.
Hazel: I still can't believe you dated Eric. Why don't you just take my leftovers at lunch?
Lou: Eric and I started dating on July 4th.
Hazel: But I started dating Eric on July 4th.
Zuri: I guess Eric got his share of fireworks.
Interior.Mess hall.
Xander: We can't lose The Spot. Otherwise, where will we go to chat?
Emma: Yeah, I loved chatting there.
Zuri: Mmm-hmm. Anyway, can you pass me another arrow, hog-chuckler?
Emma: Zuri, that's rude.
Zuri: Oh. I'm sorry. Can you please pass me another arrow, hog-chuckler?
Xander: Zuri, let's not re-snort to name calling. I mean- You have to be the pigger person. Uh, um, I mean Don't you just hate Eric?
Emma: Among others.
Xander: Fine. How about I tell you something embarrassing about me?
Zuri: Oh, this is getting good.
Xander: Okay, Emma, I've never told anyone this, but I have a fake pinky toe.
Zuri: Freak! Sorry, go on.
Emma: If you're missing a toe, then how do you play This Little Piggy?
Xander: Nobody ever goes "Wee-wee-wee all the way home."
Zuri: On the bright side, your other piggies can still go to market to get roast beef. I'm not helping.
Exterior. The Spot.
Eric: Well, if it isn't the dorks of Camp Dweeby-Waka.
Zuri: You must be Eric.
Eric: How did you know?
Zuri: You have a very punch-able face.
Eric: So, do you like how we redecorated The Spot?
Lou: Hey, you ruined a perfectly good beat-up truck!
Emma: And that color does not match the rust at all.
Hazel: You know, Emma, you and Eric kind of look alike.
Both: We do not.
Zuri: Again, I say, punch-able face.
Eric: Hey, Xan-dork, I'm going to make you cry like a baby, just like the first time we met.
Xander: You ran me over with a Jet Ski!
Eric: It's not my fault your head looks like a buoy. So, where's the dweeb who started all this?
Luke: Sorry we're late. Ravi's carrying the water, and I had to carry him.
Ravi: These are two-liter bottles!
Eric: Loser.
Ravi: You will be the losers. My well-hydrated team will vanquish you ignominiously.
Eric: I can't hear you. I'm up here.
Hazel: I think Eric has gotten even taller.
Lou: And his ears have gotten bigger. What? I'm an ear girl.
Luke: So, Eric, there's only three of you? We're going to kick your-
Hazel: Incredibly cute butt.
Luke: That is not what I was going to say.
Lou: Yeah, you're going to be picking arrows out of you- Beautiful, pearly white teeth.
Zuri: Way to move on, girls.
Xander: All right, Camp Kikiwaka. This is the day that Camp Champion becomes Camp Loser!
Lou: Uh, Xander, maybe-
Xander: Not now. Today we win The Spot not just for a day, not just for a week, but forever!
Emma: Uh, Xander-
Xander: I know, it's a great speech. So raise your bows and prepare to win!
Eric: Or lose.
Xander: But the battle isn't supposed to start till 2:00.
Eric: Guess your watch is slow. Fire!
Luke: Run! Ravi, go! I'll cover you! Whoa! Okay, enough covering! Help!
Exterior. Great Lawn.
Hazel: Well, that went well.
Ravi: We are getting slaughtered worse than the Massacre of Thessalonica in 390 AD!
Luke: Can't you just say, "They're kicking our butts"?
Ravi: I thought it was implied! Oh, water?
Luke: They're coming! Take up defensive positions!
Jorge: I get it, I get it, I'm out! Jerk!
Xander: This does not look good. I can't believe we might lose The Spot!
Emma: We won't! I did not wear tacky Velcro all day just to lose.
Zuri: We would have won by now if you had let me light these arrows on fire!
Xander: Speaking of arrows, we're running out! What do we do?
Emma: I don't toe!
Xander: Did you just say "toe"?
Emma: No! Now, let's keep firing, otherwise we're going to be dead feet! I mean, meat!
Xander: You did it again!
Emma: Not on purpose! Meanwhile, you laughed at my snort!
Zuri: So you both found out you're not perfect. Boo-hoo! Welcome to the real world! Great. And now, I'm out of this game, and this stupid conversation.
Xander: Emma, you may snort, but it's the cutest snort I have ever heard.
Emma: Aww. Thanks, Xander. And you are awesome from your head to where your toe should be. Oh. I'm hit. I'm going into the light. Hi, Grandma.
Eric: You're both out! By the way, I heard what you said, And you two imperfect weirdos deserve each other.
Zuri: I wouldn't talk. Emma's got a thicker mustache than you do.
Both: You're mean.
Lou: Freeze, you brown-eyed Adonis! And I just can't help myself.
Hazel: I know, he's so dreamy. I wrote my number on this arrow.
Lou: Wait, are you trying to get back together with my ex-boyfriend?
Hazel: He's my ex-boyfriend, so I can date him if I want to!
Eric: Guys, not so loud. I'm dating that cute counselor from the Bunny Cabin.
Lou: Well, she's about to be single.
Hazel: Very single!
Eric: That was easy.
Hazel: That did not go as planned.
Lou: If anyone asks, we were ambushed.
Luke: Well, Ravi, if there's just going to be two of us left, I'm glad it's you and me.
Ravi: Thank you, brother. That means a lot.
Luke: Because I'm really thirsty.
Ravi: Luke, I have more to offer our team than just water. I no longer spend my days with my nose buried in a book.
Luke: Oh, you prefer audiobooks now?
Ravi: No! I mean, being at Camp Kikiwaka has changed me. As I tried to tell you before, I do not need my big brother to fight my battles for me anymore.
Luke: Well, now that I think about it, you did stand up to that bully Eric. Twice. That took guts.
Ravi: Yes, especially because my nose was right in his B. O. zone.
Luke: Come on. All right, Ravi, from now on, you're in charge. What do you think we should do? I'm almost out of ammo-
Ravi: Watch this.
Luke: And the only thing you can shoot with an arrow is a sleeping snail.
Ravi: Wait. I have a plan.
Luke: Does it involve the Battle of Water Shoes?
Ravi: No, but it does involve my tramp socks.
Luke: I don't know where you're going with this, but you've gotta stop calling those things tramp socks.
Eric: Hey, Puke, guess it's down to us three against you two. Do the math.
Luke: If I don't do math at school, I'm certainly not going to do it at summer camp.
Eric: Where's your dweeby water boy with the big mouth?
Luke: He ran away.
Eric: Doesn't surprise me. Typical Weak-iwaka coward.
Emma: It's Kikiwaka! It's right there on the flag!
Luke: Take this, peach fuzz!
All Whoo! Whoo! Oh.
Eric: We won, and The Spot is ours!
Ravi: Not so fast! You forgot about me, the dweeb with the big mouth!
Luke: Nice move, Ravi. Although, your trash talk still needs a little work.
Ravi: Well, actions speak louder than words. Victory is ours! Take a hike, Camp Chump-ion. How was that for trash talk?
Luke: Better. And that was awesome, Ravi.
Eric: Whatever! The Spot may be yours, but the landfill off the highway is ours.
Xander: Okay?
All: Ravi!
Exterior. The Spot.
Xander: There, good as old.
Lou: Xander, the door fell on your toe.
Hazel: And you didn't even wince in pain.
Xander: Oh, right. Ow, my real toe! Man, that really hurts.
Jorge: I just made one of my special s'mores, extra-gooey for my hero.
Ravi: Um, I am sure Luke will enjoy that.
Jorge: Luke's not my hero. Sure, I'm a huge fan of his armpit farts, but you know who my real hero is, Ravi?
Ravi: Aww, who
Jorge: Rey Mysterio, Jr., the best luchador of all time!
Ravi: Oh.
Jorge: But after him, it's you.
Ravi Thank you, Jorge.
Luke: Hey, Emma, I'm sorry I made you snort in front of Xander, but at least I didn't tell him about that noise you make when I pull your left ear.
Emma: You do, and it'll be the last noise you ever hear.
Zuri: Don't worry. I'll tell him later.
Ravi: Luke, thank you again for helping save The Spot. In return, I did all your homework. I even spilled some nacho cheese on it to give it that Luke-touch.
Luke: Actually, I didn't come here because I needed help with my homework.
Emma: What?
Zuri: I knew it. He's hiding from the cops! Please tell me there's a reward.
Luke: The truth is, I've been getting straight A's in summer school.
Emma: You have? Well, then why did you come all the way to Maine?
Luke: Because I missed you guys. But I thought if I told you that, You'd think I was being a wimp.
Zuri: Aww, we've missed you too. Wimp.
Ravi: Well, okay. Wait a minute. So that means I did 50 pages of homework for nothing?
Luke: Of course not. I'm gonna sell it to the dumb kids.