We Can't Bear It!/Transcript

Lou driving the bus to camp.

(Exterior. Tallahassee.)

• Destiny: Okay. That's everything I need for camp. Oh, wait. Clothes. Um...

(Exterior. Boston, Massachusetts.)

• Matteo: Let's see. Snake bite kit, Spider bite kit, kids bite kit...and maybe because I'm clearly heading towards my doom. My will. I left my rubber ducky in the charity? I should update this.

(Exterior. Brewster, Nebraska.)

• Finn: (sniffs) Ew. All packed. Wait, where's my toothbrush? Eh, it's only two months.

(Exterior. Camp Kikiwaka.)

• Lou: Wow, you sure are sparkly. At least we won't lose you at the woods.
• Destiny: I put sparkles on everything. Which really wants our cab, Mr. Sparkles.
• Lou: Hey. If you're trying to snuggle another kid without paying, that's frowned upon. Especially, with this suitcase as no airholes.
• Destiny: Nope. That's my trophies. I've never lost a pageant. Except for the one that was droplet. I've got 10 points taken off, making a boom-boom on my Pull-Ups.
• Lou: Wow, they're strict! BTW, it's a long graphic camp, so you just let me know if you're feeling a boo boo boomdup. Hey, little buddy. You must be Matteo.
• Matteo: How'd you know?
• Lou: I read your file. Apparently, you're allergic to everything, except oxygen.
• Matteo: Still waiting on those text results. And this whole thing was my mother's idea. I don't wanna go to camp. It's a dangerous, generated, animal infested death trap.
• Lou: With s'mores!
• Finn: Cousin Lou!
• Lou: Finn! Last time I saw you, that Maria was pulling you out of the well.
• Finn: That penny was worth it. I can't wait to see Camp Kikiwaka!
• Lou: I can't wait to see our rebuilt cabins.

(Exterior. The forest.)

• Emma: Oh, my gosh. Gladys didn't rebuild our cabins.
• Ravi: Can you believe she would be that cheap?
• Zuri: Yes. This is the women who made use leaves for toilet paper.
• Emma: I did like that they were maples haunted.

(Theme song.)

(Exterior. The Kikiwaka bus. )

• Finn: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
• Matteo: If we were there, the bus wouldn't be moving.
• Lou: Okey dokey, campers, let's sing! 🎵 A hundred boxes of juice on the wall, a hundred boxes of...🎵 No one? Really? Uh, Destiny? I kinda need that mirror to drive, so, how about you sit down, build up, and sing along?
• Destiny: I only do solos, and you're pitchy.
• Matteo: This bus is filthy. I've should've brought more hand sanitizer. Ew! Do you know how many germs live on the average human's foot?
• Finn: 37. That's my go-to number for everything. Which is probably why I failed math.
• Matteo: Oh, I'm gonna be sick! (vomits)
• Finn: (laughs) Awesome aim, dude. You nailed that moose.
• Lou: Go for distance! I have to wash the bus.

(Exterior. Camp Kikiwaka.)

• Emma: So, it looks like Gladys took the insurance check and everyone's deposits for the summer, then left town for good.
• Zuri: How do you know she's not coming back?
• Emma: Because when I checked her cabin, the shrine to her dad was gone.
• Ravi: Even the Morgan mannequin with amazingly life-like hair?
• Zuri: That was his hair. Gladys paid me to bring something home. What? Im not your bucks, it's a hundred bucks.
• Lou: You guys are gonna love Camp Kiki...whoa!
• Destiny: Wow. Who got mad and beat this place up?
• Lou: Guys, is it just me, or do our cabins still look a little...charpoaly?
• Emma: Okay, Lou, we have a little bit of bad news.
• Ravi: And it may be a tad difficult for you.
• Zuri: Gladys skipped town for dough, and the camp is kaput.
• Lou: (sobs) No!
• Finn: Are we there yet?

(Exterior. The cabin.)

• Ravi: Oh, no! The mess hall is a hot mess!
• Zuri: On the bright side, we can use the splinters in my butt to start a fire later.
• Lou: The bench is broken, like my heart.
• Emma: Aw, now, look, I know we're all really sad. But, we have a bus full of bummed out campers. And some of us would jave figured out what we're gonna do.
• Ravi: Agreed. Where is that sound one?
• Zuri: She means us!
• Ravi: Oh, that is too bad because I was condem playing joining Lou and her update file.
• Lou: It's not ugly. Is it, Emma?
• Emma: No. I mean, wait it's too late to drive back, so we're stuck here for tonight. Let's, just, try to make the best of it. For the campers.
• Ravi: Agreed. I shall go into the kitchen to prepare a tasty snack.
• Lou: What food could still be good after 9 months?
• Ravi: Otter nuggets. The experation data on those things is, "you should live so long".
• Lou: Look! They're all dead! Diego, Rinaldo, Paisley, and Wolfgang. His mother was brazilliant, his father was in German botness, it's all very complicated!
• Zuri: I'm gonna go help Ravi.
• Lou: I just can't believe we won't spending the summer at Camp Kikiwaka. I mean, this is where I learned to swim, and ride a bike, then tie my shoes.
• Emma: You first came to camp and you were 8.
• Lou: Don't judge me. We were a clog-wearing family.
• Emma: Lou, I know it's hard...
• Lou: Right? I mean, I make the bunny ears, but then, is it over, under? Is it through?
• Emma:I meant, I was really looking forward at the summer, too. I was going to be a counsler, and you were finally going to teach me the secret Kikiwaka handshake invented by Jennatize Hennersin?
• Lou: Oh, right. Here it is.
• Emma: That's it?
• Lou: The man had a hook. What did you expect?

(Exterior. The campers are outside.)

• Emma: So, unfortunately, tomorrow everyone has to go home.
• Campers: Aww.
• Matteo: Yay!
• Emma: But, tonight we're going to make the most fun night ever!
• Lou: That's right. So much fun.
• Finn: This is awesome! And since the cabins are literally toast, we get to sleep outside!
• Matteo: Outside? Like animals? Is that safe?
• Finn: I sure hope not! (howls)
• Matteo: What is wrong with you?
• Finn: Well, according to my teacher's I...
• Destiny: The less we know, the better.
• Emma: I know this place looks like a mess, but, Camp Kikiwaka could be beautiful.
• Lou: So beautiful? Especially, with the moon went soft and dead fish bellies in the lake.
• Emma: Things don't last long in our lake. We went saw an entire beaver dissolve in 10 minutes.
• Matteo: They really should have mentioned in the broshore.
• Ravi: Look! More dark fur! Whatever wrecked this place was also barely manscaping.
• Zuri: And you said our door's a scratching post. Do you think whatever it was is on?
• Ravi: Yes, of course! After all, there's nothing left to eat in here.

(Bear growls)

• Ravi and Zuri: (gasp)
• Zuri: Except, us!
• Ravi: I say we order a takeout!
• Zuri: Agreed!
• Emma: Okay, so, the first thing we're going to do is...
• Ravi: Bear in the mess hall!
• Emma: Run!
• Destiny: Matteo, run!
• Matteo: I thought I was.
• Lou: It worked better when you move your legs!

(Exterior. The campers are sitting down after running from the bear.)

• Lou: 78, 79, 80, and...81? That's one too many. Someone's got two heads.
• Emma: Ah, it's just Timmy. Shoo, Timmy. Okay, everybody, we can all relax. Because it turns out it was just a baby bear.
• Lou: Good thing, I went back to asess the danger or we would not have known that.
• Matteo: You went back because you dropped me.
• Lou: The important thing is, we're all safe. Unless, there are any puppies, or kittens, Zuri and Ravi would've warned us about.
• Matteo: And they're the best. Any bears of leaf-covered moist.
• Finn: Hey, that's what my mom calls my Uncle Pooter.
• Lou: Hey, you leave my dad out of this.

(Exterior. The cabin.)

• Destiny: Why do you need that window open?
• Emma: You don't smell that over-powering stench of bear?
• Destiny: Ohhh. I thought that was Finn.
• Emma: I give up. We've got stuck windows, broken benches...this place is never gonna be in shape for dinner.
• Destiny: Not necessarily. A pageant girl is always prepared.
• Emma: What do you mean?
• Destiny: We can fix this bench with double-sided tape. Which I normally use to keep from getting a swimsuit wedgie.
• Emma: Wow, this tape is strong. That one is really hurt when you rip it off your butt.
• Destiny: I'll say. Once I did a pageant in Georgia, and they heard me screamimg in Tennessee.
• Zuri: So, the bear ate everything in the freezer except these Otter nuggets.
• Ravi: That bear has good survival instincts.
• Zuri: Yeah, it left these, but ate the fridge magnents.
• Ravi: You're the one with inspirartional sayings?
• Zuri: Yep.
• Ravi: Well, beggers cannot be choosers, to core my favorite magnent. Perhaps, I can improve these Otter nuggets with...some of this prune paprika!
• Zuri: Those are fire ants.
• Ravi: Yes! Yes they are! Ow! Ow! Ow!

(Exterior. Nighttime. )

• Lou: Okay, so, we Woodchucks may not have our own cabin, but, I give you Woodchuck Tent!
• Emma: That looks cozy.
• Zuri: Just leave the flap open. Those Otter nuggets aren't sitting too well.
• Matteo: Why is the girls' tent so much bigger than ours?
• Finn: Yeah.
• Ravi: It is called "shivelry", gentlemen. Unless, the big room is too heavy for me to get.

(Exterior. Inside the tent.)

• Emma: Destiny, we're only here for one night. Did you really unpack all of your trophies?
• Destiny: Yes. Basketing the glow in my past victories helps me sleep. Now, if you'll excuse me, I always tap dance before bed.
• Zuri: No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Tent rule number one, under no circumstances, will there be tap dancing of any sort, legs will be broken.
• Lou: Ow. Uh, Destiny? Your Junior Miss Sunshine trophy was just where the sun don't shine.
• Matteo: This ground has no loumart support.
• Ravi: That does a nice, soft droug on your bed. What are you doing?
• Matteo: I'm checking for anything but weigns, gains, scales, or utters.
• Finn: Utters?
• Matteo: Cows freak me out.
• Ravi: I will add that to your list, right after squirrels with an attitude. Now, let us rest.
• Matteo: Ah! Cow!
• Ravi: Matteo, that is just a branch.
• Matteo: Ah! Cow with a branch!
• Finn: You must be real popular at sleepovers.
• Matteo: I've never been to a sleepover.
• Ravi: That is a shock. I mean, Finn, that was mean.

(Exterior. The campers are lining up at the bus.)

• Lou: Okay, time to go home. Everybody on the bus.
• Finn: Hey, you know what I've never done?
• Destiny: Used a hygene product? Chewed with your mouth closed? Learned to spell your name?
• Finn: Taken a selfie with a bear. BRB!
• Destiny: No, that's dangerous! Get back here!
• Lou: I'm really gonna miss this place. But, thanks to my guide support, I think I'm gonna be okay. No more tears.
• Emma and Ravi: (sobbing)
• Emma: I'm gonna miss this place!
• Ravi: Oh, me too, I will never forget it. I am taking memories!
• Zuri: You're taking fire ants. Again.
• Ravi: Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
• Zuri: Will you two chill? It's just a camp.
• Lou: It's gonna be okay, guys. All gonna work out. Get on the bus. Stay strong, Lou! You are the rock wind beneath your legs!
• Finn: Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! Let go of my hearing hole!
• Destiny: Wait! Stop! They left without us!
• Finn: Awesome! (howls) Ow!

(Exterior. Finn and Destiny are still lost.)

• Destiny: And you're the last person on Earth I'd pick to be stuck with.
• Matteo: Hey, guys.
• Destiny: Make that second to last.
• Matteo: Word to the wise, do not go to the woods for a while. Where is everybody?
• Destiny: They left. So, we're on our own.
• Matteo: (In portuguese) Oh no! I do not want to die in the woods with these two idiots!
• Finn: He's an alien. And he's speaking to his evil overlord! I'm gonna hit him with a shovel.
• Destiny: No! I'm sure there's a logical explanation for why he's talking like that.
• Matteo: I panic in Portuguese.
• Destiny: You're a strange little boy.
• Finn: Matteo, calm down. I'm sure they'll notice we're missing.
• Lou: Oh, my gosh! We have to turn around!
• Zuri: Did you leave something at camp?
• Lou: Yes! Oh, never mind. I guess I can get another toothpaste cap.
• Emma: But we can never get another Camp Kikiwaka.
• Ravi: You said it, sister.
• Emma: Should we sing the Camp Kikiwaka song? One last time?
• Zuri: Okay, but only if you promise to stop crying. I can't take any more snot bubbles.
• Emma, Ravi, and Lou: 🎵Here we go, we're leaving the city behind right...🎵
• Zuri: Kikiwaka! Give me some of that camp!

See? I told you guys we'd have fun. I can't believe I caught a fish. Technically, it swam into your pants when you fell in the lake. A lesser man would have removed his pants immediately. But I bravely kept mine on. Which we thank you for. Destiny, it's so cool you can gut these fish with your bare hands. You just gotta have the right manicure. Ninety-two boxes of tears on the wall Ninety-two boxes of tears You take one down Lou. You pass it around 92 Lou. Lou! You do realize you're the only one singing, right? I don't care. Come on, Finn, sing along, or I'll tell everyone you name your boogers. Which I guess I just did. Finn? Finn? Finn! Uh, guys He's not here. What? (Tires screeching) Neither are Matteo or Destiny! I can't believe we left three campers behind. Percentage wise, that's not that bad. Oh, hi, there. You look like a Reggie. Reggie, meet Greg. "Hi, there. " "Hi, bro. " I can't believe they still haven't come back for us. Well, Lou's not the most observant person. Her first boyfriend was a scarecrow. And that lasted six months. But what if they never come back? They will. Lou's also very loyal. And never forgets a friend. She still writes to that scarecrow. I actually don't mind if we're here a little longer. It's a nice change of pace from being in pageants. I thought you loved competing. Yeah, don't you collect the tears of your competitors in a vial that you wear around your neck? Yeah. But it's a lot of pressure to have to look perfect and be perfect all the time. Now I've got stringy hair, muddy clothes and it's been really fun. I've helped a lot of people enjoy a muddier lifestyle. You know, it's weird. Even though this place is a death trap, it's been kind of fun. In fact, I'm not even scared anymore. (Growling) What was that? It's probably just that cute little bear cub again. Hey, I can finally get my selfie! (Growling) (All scream) Bear! Do you think it saw us come in here? (Growling) (All scream) I don't speak bear, but I'm thinking that's a yes. (All screaming) I gotta get my hairspray. This is no time to worry about your looks. I meant, this'll scare it away. Or make it angrier. And slightly more stylish. I'll save you guys. You will? (Grunts) Going down. Run and tell my tale! (Roaring)

• Emma: No, don't run, you cannot outrun a bear. Back away from the bear slowly. I'd rather back away quickly. (Clangs) Go! Scram! Get out! Loud noise! Oh, thank goodness you guys are okay. Why weren't you on the bus? I wanted a bear selfie. I'm sorry, Cousin Lou. This was all my fault. No, I should have done another head count before I drove off. This was all my fault. And just to be clear, none of this was my fault. You know what? Before we were almost eaten, we were actually having fun. Yeah. It was nice hanging out with you guys. I don't have a lot of friends at home. What? Ow! Well, you have some now. Camp Kikiwaka is all about making friends. Or some very close acquaintances who promised to keep in touch over the winter, but then did not. Because they "lost your e-mail. " To be fair, that's not really the camp's fault. Ravi's social life aside, we sure did have a lot of great times here. I see why you all love this place so much. It's too bad you don't have a rich friend who could just buy the camp. (Record scratches) Wait, are you all thinking what I'm thinking? Yep. Taylor Swift. Guys, I just talked to Mom and she's going to buy the camp for us. (All cheering) I did not think I could love that woman anymore. First we lose the camp, then we get it back, it has been such an emotional roller coaster, I feel dizzy! Actually, a mosquito has been sucking on your neck for an hour. That's not euphoria, that's blood loss. Oh, that would explain why I cannot feel my feet. He was a thirsty little sucker. I just can't believe I'm going to be in charge of my own camp! Hey, what do you mean you're in charge? I'm the one who does the family taxes! And how I'm gonna write this camp off, I have no idea. Actually, as the only one whose report card is not covered in frowny faces, I should be in charge. You'll work that out. Or you won't. The important thing is Camp Kikiwaka lives on. And it'll be better than ever As soon as we clean the great lawn, rebuild the cabins (Horn honking) (Crashing) And rebuild the mess hall. Hey, guys! So, I think this brake is supposed to be attached. On the bright side, I found my gum under the seat! Technically, he's just my second cousin. the end